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A Royal Feast
Rachel Himes Dear Member of High Court, You are cordially invited to the His Majesty’s First Annual “No Hard Feelings” Banquet. This celebration will honor our almighty leader’s rule, as well as his...
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With Great Power Comes…
Dianna Xu Great responsibility Tremendous joy Blossoming romance Public adoration Special treatment Mounting arrogance Spurned mentor Cryptic omens Reckless spending Forgotten anniversary Devastating...
View ArticleMotivational Tapes
You awaken as almighty Poseidon, your chiseled body draped in a loincloth of the sea. You swipe your cauldron-sized hands across the still water, assembling the world’s disparate whale population to...
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Kids These Days
Kevin Wiesner I just don’t understand kids these days, with their iFun gizmos and Nintendroid doodads. I grew up in a simpler time, back when a kid had to find his own fun. Whatever happened to walking...
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In My Mom’s Book
Drew Dickerson I am better at Legos than Tommy Puccino, in my mom’s book. My mom also says in her book that chewing on the sleeves of your fleece is an adorable habit. The third grade is actually the...
View ArticleA Worldwide Plan for Phasing Out Coal Power
MAY 2021: Houses and small businesses in the continental United States are to replace their small-scale generators with large-scale cages filled with hundreds, sometimes thousands, of hamsters running...
View ArticleIntroducing the New EZ Control Power Drill™
Are you nervous about using power tools? The EZ Control™ Power Drill takes care of all your safety concerns! The NEW Safe-T Guard™ allows you to drill without worrying about cutting yourself and making...
View ArticleI Am a Hype Man and I Am New at This
Alright everyone, settle down, settle down. I know you’re all very excited to hear DJ Danny Venom rap, and—excuse me. Am I interrupting your conversation? No, no, please, don’t let me stop you. Why...
View ArticleWhat Has Happened to the Power of a Once Great Wizard from the Past
“Ah—the twenty-first century! Excuse me, young sire! Come hither that I might impress you.” “What’s up? Woah. Why are you wearing a cloak?” “Never mind such trivialities. Behold a great sorcerer who...
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So You’ve Decided to Go Back in Time in Order to Stop Hitler
Kevin Wiesner So you’ve decided to go back in time to stop Hitler, to defy all the laws of nature in order to prevent the happening of the greatest evil that history has ever known. That’s great news....
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Frog Detective
Janice Gan INTERIOR OFFICE – NIGHT. DETECTIVE SEAMUS STACKPOLE is chain-smoking Marlboros at his detective desk. His nameplate reads SEAMUS STACKPOLE: FROG DETECTIVE. He is weary of the world. SEAMUS:...
View ArticleThings I Would Say to Martha Stewart If I Could
“Good job.” “Thank you for the cookie recipes.” “You make nice pillow shams.” “Please make your cookie recipes easier to follow.” “Your Kmart line is very popular with my college-aged peers.” “I do not...
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Why Is This Man Throwing Clocks Out the Window?
Janice Gan Whoa, check out that clock a man threw out the window. That’s a nice clock. Why’d he do that? That clock must’ve cost fifteen bucks or more. It’s not worth anything now—now it’s just a bunch...
View ArticleAsk an Existentialist Doctor
Dear Dr. Stefan von Fraunberger, I am a 42 year-old working mother of three who has suffered from chronic knee pain for most of her adult life. I take Ibuprofen daily, but its effectiveness seems to be...
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God Sweatshops
Rachel Himes Testimony before the House Committee on Workforce Protections, 3/31/2013, Hon. Tim Walberg (R-MI) presiding. Honorable members of the committee, My name is Doug Peters. I’ve come before...
View ArticleMy Brother and I Have this Game We Play
My brother and I have this game we like to play with one another. It’s called Monopoly. We don’t play it too terribly often because each game takes an awful long time, but every now and again I will...
View ArticleHandy Excuses for a Highly Specific Situation
“Hey man, sorry, can’t join you at Sid’s tonight. Pretty busy, what with dying yesterday and everything, and I just don’t think I have the time. Catch you on the flipside.” “Yeah, uh, could you just...
View ArticleNaked Lunch
Co-workers! I was flipping through this novel by William S. Burroughs the other day and I got this great idea. Naked lunch! Who wants to get naked lunch this afternoon? I say we all go to Chipotle,...
View ArticleMy Birthday Present
Wouldn’t it be funny if you got me leather pants for my birthday? I know, leather pants are ridiculous. That’s why it would be so funny. It would be like, “Hey, look at me with these wacky leather...
View ArticleThis Offer Won’t Last Forever!
Hey! Garrison’s Home Furniture Megastore is having a Presidents’ Day sale! Save up to forty percent on select sofas, futons, and trundle beds! But hurry — this offer won’t last. Nothing will, in fact....
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